Let Go, Let God.25 Feb 2014, Posted by Blog in
250 facebook messages, 43 text messages, emails, flowers, chocolates, and the gift of The Holy Ghost.
Whoa! My mind is blown. Lets recap my birthday weekend.
Friday night I walked into a room with my best friends, Celeste, Nick and Zoraya Judd, and a whole lot of strangers to admit that my life had become unmanageable to sex and love addiction. So many people came to hear my story. I sat there sweating, shaking my papers, ready to pour my heart out, make known to the Universe and those ears listening the hurt I caused, the pain I endured, and the trials I barely overcame. My hour was up, tears were in their eyes and as these people were clapping I finally took a breath. A long breath. And it was done. No more cycles. No more patterns. I had broken them. My sponsor told me she was so proud of me but I only heard the voice of my mother in law, who reminds me so much of her. Mamma Goodnight was there. And she was proud of me. These people shook my hand, told me I was an inspiration and a walking miracle. I finally felt I could move forward. I am so grateful for everything I went through. Such profound lessons and I am so much stronger knowing what I know now and experiencing what I experienced.
The next morning The Judds and I went to my church. There I met my sisters and they fitted me in what looked like a Quaker dress. Hey.. I could have gone for the jump suit… but the dress really made me feel like I was apart of history! Minus a lake… but hey, I was so happy to finally be getting baptized I didn’t care what I was wearing! The white Quaker dress… I rocked it. So many people showed up for MY baptism. People I didn’t know, people of my ward, and even a friend I knew from Jr. High!!! The Lord re connected us! Everyone who was supposed to be there was there. Celeste gave a beautiful talk and then it was time to get in the water. My body trembled, my mouth dry, and my stomach had a thousand butterflies fluttering around! My toes touched the clear water, a sense of peace and calm rushed through my entire body. My mind was so clear. I focused on the water for a few seconds, pushing my dress down, taking in the sensation of the water dripping from my fingertips. I couldn’t look up at anyone. I didn’t care to look up at anyone… this was my experience. Nic asked for my wrist, and when we made the final connection with our hands, my mind shut down and all I saw were visions. I heard in distance my name, Veronika Elicia Goodnight, but I don’t remember anything else. My visions led me to see The Judds, with children playing, my children with theirs, family, friends, faces I didn’t recognize, performing, lots of hula hoops, laughter, love… It was so overwhelming… 10 visions a second, and then I was completely in the water, sounds muffled by water, visions of the last 4 years, pain, resentment, fear, my heart felt like it was going to explode it was so painful…. and then… Nic lifted me out of the water, and I opened my eyes, he hugged me so tight, it helped me to remember to breathe. I walked up the stairs and saw my sisters holding a towel ready for me to dry off. I was in such a daze, like an emotionless zombie I grabbed the towel and put it to my face…. then it hit me. Everything. And I started to hysterically cry into the towel. My sisters cried with me. I’m crying now as I write this. It was the most beautiful experience I have ever experienced. My heart felt whole. Not shattered. My body was clean. And my soul was pure.
After my baptism I did what any girl would do… I went and poled in Zoraya’s workshops for 4 hours. Not only was I the strongest I had ever been, but I felt radiant. And confident.
The next morning, today, in church. I received the gift of The Holy Ghost. I had my two favorite Bishops and Nic Judd. They placed their hands on my head and preceded to give me the blessing. I have written that experience in my own personal journal but you can suspect it to be as spiritually wonderful as my baptism.
Afterwards, friends new and old came roller skating. We laughed, danced, and dodged the millions of kids skating round and round.
I am so grateful that I have a space to be open and honest. A website to blog, a facebook to share. You all have been supportive and with me through it all. The ups and downs, the dramatic crazy reality tv show that is my so called life. Friends of my entire 32 years of living, from all kinds of events, have shown me love and support. God has put you in my life and I am eternally grateful for your presence.
My favorite scripture for this weekend:
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.