Why is it so hard to let go?11 Mar 2014, Posted by Blog in
“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd; the longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the worlds existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are. — Fernando Pessoa
I don’t know who this person is but I resonate with their words. A dear friend sent this over to me. She knows me well, and knows what I battle daily. The ability to “let go”.
It could be the fact that I learned this way from my father. I watched him for 32 years never looking forward and daily talk about his glory days working at the Troubadour. And every day, he mentions the pain of his broken ankle from that time. Never, have I known him to talk about anything else.
I have physically watched him mentally torture himself every day… just because he can’t “let go”. Why does he hold onto this time? I’m sure it has everything to do with the quote you just read. And in pondering this “why”… I too have realized, I am following the same path as my fathers.
Just a couple years ago I was married and living in Santa Barbara. I was a famous hula hooper, inspiring people daily, traveling the world, and rocking life at a seriously mental pace. I wasn’t happily married… and I didn’t enjoy living in Santa Barbara and working in Los Angeles. I was constantly around negative and judgmental people, and some of these people were my closest friends! I felt like I was suffocating. But that time was also some of the best moments of my life!! Festivals, inspiring hoopers all over the world, a travel partner, dancing all night, mountain parties, full moon parties… the list goes on. I laughed, I cried… I should have bought the T shirt 😉
But it wasn’t fulfilling. When the people you love constantly put you down, and yes, I understand I was a little out of control back then, I was made to believe I wasn’t loved. I wasn’t uplifted by their light, I was put down and judged. I was abandoned, and I abandoned those I loved, which means we were never friends in the first place. Friends and Family don’t leave. You work out your issues. You communicate. Those people that hurt me, never uplifted me with their light, they never communicated with me. That’s what really gets me. That’s what really hurts. And I think about it every day.
But since I have been baptized, and I have repented, certain friends have been showing me what it’s like to have real, healthy, and loving friendships. I have been able to look at my past with a happy and grateful heart. The experiences I have experienced, although short, were some of the most life changing and awe inspiring moments of my Life. They were beautiful. They were painful. And they make me sad to think they are no more. But it’s ok. I am a better person for going through them. And I am grateful to everyone in my past that experienced that Life with me.
I just the other day got a tattoo. It’s called a Unalome. No one really knows what it’s meaning is. But I found this. The Unalome is a spire in a Yant — a Sacred geometry design incorporating Buddhist psalms and magical formulas that invoke various elements and powers of protection and various blessings.
It also signifies birth, different paths we get lost on and then enlightenment!
Yea. I got it right on my thumb 🙂 Which felt orgasmic. But then again… I’m weird like that. The process of tattoos help me feel. I don’t necessarily feel pain, I laugh when I get tattoos, and when I feel pain, it helps me to live and breathe in the present moment. I absolutely love the process of getting tattooed.
So. What the other day taught me, is right now I am living a beautiful experience as a child of God. Right Meow. In Seattle. I’m still a famous hula hooper, and I’m still inspiring others daily. I have amazing friends and a wonderful family. I am supported. I am loved. Heavenly Father wants me to not suffer. When I suffer, he suffers. And there is no need to suffer, that is why we have the Atonement. Jesus Christ suffered, and gave his Life so that we all could repent, be forgiven and live great lives!
In Mark 10:45 Jesus said, “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many”. This is so powerful. To me, this scripture tells me that I came to this Earth to inspire and be inspired… but with that comes a payment. A payment of death in friendships, the longing for impossible things, nostalgia for what never was… and the desires for what could have been, or what I could have been. But that is the beauty of movement forward. There is so much to create! So many more experiences to experience! All you have to do is keep moving forward.
Don’t look back. That’s not where you’re going.
Forever Faith in Christ, Myself and in Orbital Bliss,